It Hurts
by TonyandZivaUK
Summary: Tony has something to tell Ziva but doesn't know how to.
1. Chapter 1

It Hurts

"Tony are you awake?" the hand that was resting on his bare chest slowly moved to his face, she sat up and placed a soft kiss on his fore head. He had never looked so peaceful she thought to herself. Ziva just sat there and watched him sleep for a couple of minutes until she lay back down again. Ziva and Tony had been together for a couple of weeks now and they had never been as happy as they were now, right in this moment. Little did Ziva know but all that was soon going to change.

Tony wasn't really asleep, he knew that if he was awake then he would tell her there and now, it just wasn't the right time he thought to himself. Tony tried to convince himself that that was the reason why he did not want to tell her, really it was because he didn't know how to tell her, he did not want to tell her, he did not want to break her heart...and his. Tony lay there with his eyes closed flashing back to all the times when Ziva's life had been on the line and when her heart had been broken by many men, she had been through enough and she dint need Tony adding to the list of men who let her down. Plus in a way it was not the right time, too much had happened to NCIS and the team, Gibbs left and Ducky had just died. Gibbs didn't want to leave, not really, he just felt like now with Ducky gone it was no longer the team he loved, Abby had become quiet, his Abby was quiet, things were not right. How could Tony break Ziva's battered heart after she has lost two of the most important people in her life to the port to port killer? Tony's heart started to throb as Ziva started to talk. She likes to talks to Tony when he's asleep, generally so he doesn't talk back and completely ruin the moment with a stupid joke or a reference to a movie, not that she did not love these qualities, it's just there is a time and a place and Tony often forgot this.

"Tonight was amazing. Thank you. I know I have never said this before to you, well to anyone who I really meant it. I...love you Tony. I have loved you for a long time. I did not want to tell you when you were awake because to be honest I do not think my heart could take more heart break if you were not to say it back. There have been moments when I wanted to tell you but I am scared Tony. I am never scared. Love has never worked out right for me, it has ether ended in death or someone getting injured. Every time I have ever got close to someone they are taken away from me in some way. My heart is always being ripped out and stomped all over and I am afraid that if that was to happen again I would be not able to survive it, especially if it was you who were to do it. You have always had my back from the very start. I could not count on my fingers the amount of times that you have protected me when it means that your life is on the line. I thank you for that, and no matter what happens I will always remember that. I do not think that I have ever felt this way before, about anyone and I am...scared." She laid these just staring at the ceiling. A tear ran down her face in remembrance of all the times she has been in deep danger and he has always been there to save her. She had already lost Gibbs, another person who has always been there for her, like a farther should be. She sat up again and lowered her face to his ear, it was so quiet that you could hear her heart beating "I love you Tony" she whispered softly in his ear. She lay back down and kept her hand on his chest and drifted off.

He was going to tell her, he really was, but he loved her so much and didn't want to see her face when she found out that he was leaving, leaving the country. He knew he could not leave it for her to find out for herself, he owed it to her to tell her face to face.

They were sitting on his sofa, he had her on his knee, his arms wrapped around her waist. She had her feet up on the sofa with her hands holding his, stroking her thumb across his hand, sending shivers across his body. She turned to him and looked into his eyes, she could happily stay there for years just looking in to those eyes and so could he. They never ever had to say anything to each other, their eyes always did the talking. She leaned in and kissed him on the lips. She pulled back, something wasn't right, he had doubt in his kiss.

"Tony what is wrong?" she knew she should not have asked that question, she did not want to know what was wrong.

"Ziva, I...I...I have something to tell you" Tony knew that now was the time, he could not let this go on, it was not fair to her, how could he have left this so long, he should have told her the moment when Vance had ordered him that he had to move to another country. Gibbs was no longer there to save him this time, he had to go. Tony had played this scene over and over in his head, trying to find the words to say that would soften the blow to her heart but deep down he knew that nothing could stop her heart from breaking.

"I don't know how to tell you this Ziva. I promise you that I did not want to agree to this. Now that Gibbs has gone I cannot battle Vance by myself. I have to go... away... to another country Ziva." The words did not come out as he planned, he wanted to break it to her softly but he knew that he had to give it to her bluntly and not drag out the hurt that was about to come. Ziva just sat there, stunned, she couldn't believe it, and she didn't want to believe it. He was just going to leave her like that, without even trying to fight Vance? This was not the Tony she knew, Tony fort for what he wanted and never backed down. Unless he did not love her. These thoughts were running though Ziva's mind when she received the death blow to her heart. She finally could gather a few words to say, "When...do you leave?" his hands became tighter around her waist, he did not want to let go. "Tomorrow" he said under his breath.

"What! You are leaving tomorrow and you left it till know to tell me! Well thanks very much Tony! I now know how much you care about me!" she got of his knee and started pacing across the room. "I mean it is not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend, it is not like we spent every day together, it is not like I loved you Tony. Oh wait, all that is true! And you have just showed me how much you care about me haven't you? You obviously do not because you could have told me this a long time ago and we could have worked something out. Unless you did not want to work things out. Maybe this is just an escape from our relationship...from me" she kept pacing the floor not looking at him, talking. "Ziva please don't do this. You know how much I care for you! I just have to do this! I did not want for us to be split apart, this is not an escape from our relationship or you, it's just something that has to be done, it is Inevitable!" he got up and grabbed her by the waist spinning her around to face him. She pulled away with all the force that she could conger up. "No! No Tony nothing is Inevitable and you know it!" it went quiet for a while, her head and hands were resting on the wall, her breathing was heavy, she was trying to stop her heart from hurting but she couldn't. Tony walked slowly towards her, tears were streaming down his face, he was hurting too, he was not lying when he said that he could not stop this, Vance was making him go, he did not want to leave Ziva...ever!

"Ziva I am so sorry" he was trying to talk though his sobs but he could not disguise the crying from Ziva. She turned around to see his face. His eyes were blood shot and his face was damp, he was crying. Tony never cries. They looked at each other for a while until Ziva couldn't hold it in any more. She burst. Tears streamed out of her eyes, drenching each inch of her face in tears, she collapsed to the floor. Tony grabbed her before she hit the ground and held her in his arms. He turned them around so that he was ageist the wall and lowered them to the floor. She was straddling him with her head in her hands leaning into his chest. The cries coming from her throat was killing him. He had never seen her like this, he never wanted to. "Please Ziva stop it! Stop crying! I...can't take it." He was also crying. His arms were around her head pulling her face closer into his chest, his face was in her hair, placing kisses to her head while pleading for her to stop crying. "I love you Ziva, I don't want to go! I don't want to leave you! I never want to leave you. I want to spend my life with you, I want to marry you and have little ninja DiNozzo kids with you." He was laughing by this time but it was mixed in with his sobs, he knew that he could not stay with her, he had a order and he had to follow it. "I...dont...want...you...to...leave" she was sobbing so much that it was hard for her to talk. "Tony it hurts, it hurts so much! Please stop it, I cannot take this pain. It killing me Tony" she was holding her chest tightly trying to sooth the throb of her heart. "I am so sorry Ziva, I know it hurts, it hurts me too. I never want to hurt you, never!" he was leaving small kisses along her face trying to cover each inch. Her face was soaking wet and this made him wince.

He had his hands on her face and forced her to look at him. Both looked at each other and were in shock by how they looked. Both had puffy eyes as red as blood and both had tears coving their faces. "Ziva... this is going to happen and I cannot stop it. I have let you down. I should not be allowed to live, I have always had your back and I should not stop now. There is no way to stop this. It has to happen." He was still crying as was she. She tried to lower her face to lose eye contact with him but he pulled her up to look at him. "Ziva! Look at me! We are not over ok! This is not goodbye. I cannot lose you. I love you so much Ziva." She pressed a hard kiss to his lips over and over again "I" her lips pressed against his, "love" again "you" and again "too".

It felt like hours since they had stopped crying. Two of them sitting on the floor, wrapped in each other's arms, both holding each other as tightly as was possible. He had felt her go limp a while ago but he did not want to move her, this was the way he wanted to spend his life, with her in his arms, with her breath on his neck. Her breath was so warm and soft, her breathing had calmed down a lot, it was light and slow, and that's how he knew she was asleep. He cuddled her closer, her still straddling his legs, his knees were up so that she was close to him and to support her, his hands were tightly around her waist. He knew they could not stay like this all night. He started to think deep thoughts and soon he had drifted off.

He woke up with her lying on top of him, still wrapped around him. They must have moved in their sleep. He looked around to see the time. The clock said 1:00am. He lay there for a couple more minutes and then slowly got up, taking Ziva with him. He carried her slowly to the bed room and pulled back the covers. He gently lowered her down into the bed and took her jeans off as he wanted her to be comfortable. He pulled the covers over her and lent down and kissed her softly on the head. He did not want to be there when she woke up, he did not want to see her that way again and he knew that if he stayed then it would only make things worse. He started to walk out the room very slowly when he felt her hand grab his softly.

"Tony if this is our last night together then I want to at least spend it with you."

She pulled him back into the room and he wrapped his arms around her and got into the bed. They lay there all night just staring into each other's eyes, now and again he would kiss her softly on the lips and she would do the same. His hands were tangled in hers. They fell asleep hand in hand, forehead to forehead, breathing in each other, as they spent there last night together before he had to go.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Ziva woke up. She felt around to try and feel Tony, hoping that he would be there to touch but he was not. She sat up quickly and jumped out of bed, she ran into every room trying to see his face, hoping that she could hold him in her arms and not let go. She ran into his living room expecting to see him watching another one of his movies but the sofa was empty. How could he leave her and not say goodbye? She walked to the sofa and saw a letter and a rose. She picked up the letter and the rose and walked over to the spot where they had cried, kissed, hugged and slept last night and she sat down. Her eyes were still extremely sore from last night, they started to sting again as they started to produce more tears. She took a deep breath before she opened it, then she carefully ripped the envelope to take out the letter. The letter said :

"_To my beautiful Ninja,_

_I am so sorry to leave you like this. I wanted to stay in your arms forever and never move away. If I had the choice we would be together right now, you would not have to be hurt, we could be together forever. I did not want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful and happy like you should be, not like last night. It killed me to know that it was my fault, all my stupid fault that you were hurting like that. Then when you asked me to stop the pain I knew I couldn't, I let you down. I failed. I should be the one to stop the pain but instead I caused it. I will never forgive myself for that. I could not cope with saying goodbye to you because it is not goodbye more see you soon. I will understand if you don't want to wait for me, you deserve better than this._

_Ziva you are my world, my heart, my breath, my everything and I do not deserve you. You mean everything to me, even if you choose not to stay in this relationship I will still be there to save you from everything, whatever you need I will give you. Were ever you are I will come for you._

_I love you, forever and always_

_See you soon my beautiful Ninja, Ziva._

_Tony"_

Ziva held her heart again as she put the letter on the floor. She did not know what to do, she felt like her life was over, and she saw no point to her going on without the one person she loved. She got up and walked to his room, she went in his draws and saw that he had left her her favourite shirt that she loved to wear when she stayed over. She smiled and pulled it out. She took off her clothes and pulled the shirt over her head and got onto the bed. She lay there for a while and then started to cry. She just wanted this pain to go away. She had never felt this before, it hurt so much and she could not cope. She pulled her knees to her chest and just lay there unable to move, crippled from the pain of her heart. She closed her eyes in hopes that she would wake up from this nightmare. Ziva's eyes stopped crying and she drifted off to sleep.

"How could I have left her like that! Tony you idiot! You Stupid stupid idiot!"

Tony banged the staring wheel of his car in anger. He knew he shouldn't have left her, he knew he was stupid to do this. If Gibbs was here he would give him the biggest Gibbs slap in history. Tony knew he had left the best thing that had ever happened to him behind, broken and hurt. Tony had never been a man to wear his emotions on his sleeve but with Ziva it broke his heart into millions of pieces when he left. He truly loved the bones of her. The same question ran though his mind, "Why did I leave her?" Tony's heart started to beat hard as he was thinking about Ziva. He was wondering if she was awake yet, if she had seen he was still there, reading the letter. All he could think of is how hurt she is going to be. Who was he kidding, he wasn't going to see her again, Vance told him that he will not be returning yet Tony promised Ziva they will be together. He should of said goodbye! Tony pulled up at the side of the road, he thought it would be better if he stopped driving while crying. He sat there for a couple of minutes lost in his thoughts.

"I can't do this" he whispered. He took a deep breath and started the car.

That day Ziva got up and went back to her own apartment. There she took a shower and got changed into her sweats. She popped herself on the sofa and turned on the TV. She lay on the sofa, arms wrapped around herself as she fell asleep again. She was hurting badly and the only way to escape this was to sleep.

Ziva suddenly woke up to the sound of knocking on her door. She did not want to open it, she knew it would be Abby ready to hug her and tell her everything would be ok, that's not what Ziva wanted. She wanted Tony not Abby, as much as she loved Abby she just could not be dealing with her right now. Ziva waited for the knocking to stop and it did. Ziva sighed in relief. Ziva got up and turned the TV off and returned back to the sofa. As she sat down the door bell went, Ziva gave in and went to open the door.

"Abby, please I don't want to..." she was stopped by Tony's lips pressing against hers in a quick movement. He pushed her inside the house and shut the door, still holding his lips against hers. Her head was in his hands as the shared a passionate kiss, his hands moved to her waist and hers wrapped around his neck. Both of them enjoying the kiss more and more with every taste of each others tongues. He picked her up and took her to the sofa still their lips connected. He laid her down with himself on top of her. Finally when they stopped to catch their breath Tony started to peck her on the lips in between him talking. "I am so...so...so...sorry!" she wrapped her arms around him tighter as she began kissing him again. "Promise me you will never leave me again Tony!" They kept kissing as she turned him around so that she was on top of him. "I promise you I will never hurt you like that again! I love you Ziva." Ziva smiled and pulled the blanket over them, she kissed him gently on the lips "I love you too." He wrapped his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest. She thought she would never be able to hear that heart beat again, feel his chest going up and down. He never thought he would feel her lips against his again or be able to smell her scent again. Both of them lay there with smiles on their faces as this was the start of a new chapter in their lives

"So how about them little Ninja DiNozzo kids then?"

Tony laughed and pulled her closer. This was going to be a long night.


End file.
